420 ftw
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
