Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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