I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
