last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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