Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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