nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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