I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
