Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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