im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
