i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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