is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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