peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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