she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
