I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
