I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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