Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
