I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
