I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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