She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
