Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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