Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
