So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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