Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
