Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
