Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
