And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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