Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
