Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
