I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
