I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
