Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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