I like my sex mixed with concussions.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
