Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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