no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
