I have demons in me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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