Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He better not be in your backpack
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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