How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
