The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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