I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
