i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
