I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
