I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
