we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
