The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
