I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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