You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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