Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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