You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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