how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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