R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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