This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
