life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
